mary: Graffiti reading "your heart is a weapon the size of your fist. Keep fighting. Keep loving" ([misc] the heart is a weapon)
[personal profile] mary
Here is a review of a short story I wrote!

... it’s gory. So horrifying, I had to skim over some paragraphs.

.And here is another review of the same story.

... one of the more gruesome tales in the collection. A fact is made all the more distressing when you realise it is also likely the most realistic as well.

As I mention on the first link, the story is descriptive of true events and is about teenage serial killers with hammers and teenage music fans with cameras and gonzo internet memes and heartwarming Christmas family togetherness.

And apparently it's basically impossible to read? Uh.

I apologise so sincerely to my mother and to all other people who had hopes and dreams which involved me growing up to write nice, wholesome, life affirming things which were nice and wholesome.

In other news I got a tattoo? Sometimes I do that.

My tattoos are actually more spiritually-motivated than the designs probably suggest. I've talked before about how the whole tattoo-getting thing is, for me, very much a meditation on impermanence and the fact that life is change -- which probably seems odd when talking about something that has as its main cultural narrative "oh my god, it's permanent, you'll have it for the rest of your life!"

But see, we don't actually have any kind of control over what our bodies are going to look like tomorrow, let alone twenty years from now. My accident when I was seventeen taught me that bodies are incredibly fragile, mutable things. We scar and break so easily.

All we can do is try to make our bodies as close to what we want them to be now. Our tomorrow-selves will be in charge of our tomorrow-bodies, and we have no way of anticipating what challenges they'll have to deal with in that.

So "it's permanent!" seems silly to me. Nothing is permanent. Tattoos are just colour on the incredibly impermanent sand mandala of our bodies.

So that's the overall attitude I have to 'em. And then each one specifically is a part of the story of myself. The one I got for the first MCR tour I went to (in 2007) was the immaculate heart from the St Viticus prayer card by Gerard Way (oh god my arm looks so NAKED ahahaha), because I liked the sort of fractured-and-rebuilt religious iconography of it, the idea that there was something transcendental but skewed and not entirely shiny about my relationship with live music.

This theme continued with the tattoos I got thereafter, though the connection to the band became less obvious at times: a columbine flower for last year's trip to Denver and Chicago, a rose and a bird in my Sharpest tattoo. I always understood what they meant and why they were meaningful; how they fitted into my story of losing myself and finding myself again each time.

So what's with this one? Okay, so in Homestuck (SHUT UP AND KEEP READING THIS ENTRY I PROMISE IT WON'T KILL YOU THIS ONE TIME) there's a character Gamzee who's religion is... well, it's complicated. And I'd write essays upon essays about it, except I'm saving all that meta-energy around the topic for shit I'm putting in Currently Being Written Novel (which is named 'Candy Butchers' for those who care about such things).

Anyway, the point is that Gamzee's religion is linked to a lot of ideas about the carnivalesque and performativity and terrifying clowns, which are all things I was already pretty into. And then in addition to that, his hero class in the game is "the Bard of Rage". Which, again, is a thing I feel pretty closely connected to already -- I feel it's a term which really nicely describes, say, Courtney Love, or Gerard Way, or Frank Iero.

And the thing I kept thinking, over and over, while I was watching MCR on their Aussie tour last month, was this line from Chuck Palahniuk's Rant: "this is what church should feel like."

I actually almost got that line itself tattooed as the marker of the tour, but during the third and last show I went to, I thought "this is what church should feel like" and then I thought no, this IS what church feels like for me, because this is what I believe in, this is what I love, the celebration and joy and grittiness and anger and noise and music and exhaustion and exhilaration of the whole experience of live music. The carnivalesque and the performativity. The Bards of Rage.

So this tattoo is, for me, about trying to embrace and be proud of the fact that this is who I am, a woman who writes horror stories so horrifying that readers can't finish them, a woman whose spiritual comfort is the cacophony and impermanence of live music.

But, y'know, if people think it's a tattoo that I got just because I like Homestuck, that's okay too, 'cos I do.
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mary: A picture of a woman sitting in front of a stained glass window, from Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds (Default)
Isn't moral anarchy kind of the point?

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