diet grrrl

[mary]

So it's February 17th today. I've been on the Tony Ferguson weightloss program since the new year. I have two shakes a day and one small meal, though I stumbled a bit around my birthday and last weekend and had a couple of days with two meals and one shake. Sometimes I eat a couple extra little sushi hand rolls in there, too, and also I have been absolutely shit at the 'no more coffee' part of the diet plan. Also I am rubbish at drinking two litres of water a day.

I try to treadmill every day but realistically it's more like 4-5 times a week, because these new hours at work aren't leaving me with a lot of energy by the time I get home and sometimes jogging for twenty minutes / walking for an hour feels beyond me.

And none of that's hard, really (except the coffee, which I remain weak about). What's hard is that I don't feel like it's helping, at all. I haven't been back to the pharmacy I get the Tony Ferguson stuff from since January 27th (I've got enough shakes to last me a week or two more before it becomes a supply issue), at which stage I'd lost 5kg (about 11 pounds) since joining the program. I'm terrified that I'll go and I won't have lost any more weight since then, because some days I feel fat as ever. Other days I feel a little slimmer than I used to be, but the difference wouldn't be recognisable to anyone who isn't me, I don't think. And even so, it's not like I'm not still morbidly obese.

I always knew it would be slow going, but right now I feel like I'm never going to be other than this. I've said that I don't want to visit my father and siblings in north queensland until I'm thinner, and I feel like I'm never going to get there, I'm never going to be good enough.

On Monday my boss took my photo, because she says I look 'so fresh' since starting on the shakes. She wanted to replace the picture taken late last year on our website. I have the old picture on my own site, here. The new one is down the page here.

And the new one is more flattering, but that's because of angle and expression and a haircut. The face itself is no different. I feel like it's never going to be different.

And I completely, completely support fat activism and fighting against body policing, and the ways that it's a completely fucked up societal issue of shaming people and judging people and making people feel worthless over a fucking ridiculous thing. I believe my fat friends are utterly gorgeous just the way they are. I don't know why I can believe it for them and never for myself, but I can't, I can't, I can't. I'm disgusting, I'm hideous. Even if I got slim I wouldn't ever be pretty, I know that, but right now I am actually offensive to look at.

And... I'm tired of, when my friends and I are talking about Glee and someone mentions Lauren, everyone's eyes flicker to me for a moment. I'm tired of well-meaning acquaintances suggesting that I try swimming laps. I'm tired of friends' mothers telling their daughters that they shouldn't be friends with me because I'll make them think that being fat is okay. I'm tired of my cousin's little daughter giggling in her adorable toddler way and then saying "hey Mary, you're fat". I'm tired of having terror at the thought of meeting online friends in real life because I'm so fat and disgusting. I'm tired of watching Being Human and having there be a character who's a pathetic stalker-type of fan and for Mitchell's first insult toward him to start "you're just a fat..." and to feel the blow to my own self-esteem. I'm tired of reading Pete Wentz quotes about how when Fall Out Boy started out the only fans they had were a couple of fat girls, and feeling like no band would ever be glad that I liked them, that I'm the kind of fan no band wants, that I'm the kind of fan bands wish wouldn't like them. I'm tired of being judged by how I look, not what I can do. I'm tired of not going to the doctor because I don't want them to dismiss my medical complaints as just a result of being fat. I'm tired of knowing that no matter what I do I will always hate myself because of this, even though I don't hate anyone else for being fat and would think it absurd to do so.

I'm tired of my mental illness having my body as an excuse for beating me up all the time. I cannot imagine ever having a fighting chance at beating my depression without losing weight. I'm not saying it would fix me, or even put me on the way to good mental health. But it would remove a stumbling block, a giant mental trap that I fall into every time I feel remotely proud of something I've done.

And what if I never get there? What if I keep drinking the shakes and going on the treadmill and it never works?

Comments

[maire]

*hugs*

Fat is a huge issue in our society. I really like how you're clear about how your attempt to change your own body isn't a statement about what you think about other people, aesthetically.

I am massively impressed you're managing to stick to any diet. I don't, at least partly because I have never had the ability to stick to one when I'm tired or really hungry. To keep roughly the same weight, or to lose weight if I have gained more than I fit my clothes with, I always just exercise more. This can mean I don't lose any fat at all, sometimes, but in the long run, it seems to keep me at a weight I'm not usually too embarrassed about.

(Four or five treadmill sessions a week sounds pretty much like a good exercise regime to me, incidentally. The sort of thing that would leave me more energetic week by week.)

Just remember, slow weight loss is much, much less likely to result in ballooning as soon as you stop the diet. (I find the http://www.formulaforlife.com.au/ diet analysis tool very useful, myself, because it focuses me on getting enough zinc rather than on cutting down how much I eat, while still ensuring I get a sensible amount of calories for my size and exercise levels.)

[amber]

1. I love you, in that v for vendetta way, and I feel this post.

2. don't sell yourself short, there are some obvious signs of weight loss in the difference between those two photos. the more you lose, the more there will be. don't fall into the trap at the other end where you always see the fat girl in the mirror.

3. being a fat girl in our society is a burden that makes us afraid inside, and we he hate our bodies and we hate hating our bodies and we hate the bitter things we think and "girls who eat pizza and never gain weight" and there's s lot of hate and it can fuck us up for lyfe yo. you probs don't need my random reassurance but: it is okay that you are doing this. the fat activist police are not breaking down your door.

4. I met you at Supanova Sydney and I thought you were beautiful. be cheerful. strive to be happy.

[lilacsigil]

I'm a fat activist, but I think if you need to lose weight for your own sanity, you do it. Just the same as people who choose *not* dieting for their health, it's your body and you have autonomy over it - and I know you're not judging me. (I found it a lot harder to consider myself acceptable than I did other fat people, but I'm getting there. But that's me and my life, not you and yours.)