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Shit I still cannot believe I got away with, part the millionth: From my essay in this book:
I think I somehow managed to scam my way into writing about the shit I like to a level that goes waaaaaay beyond the "do what you love, and fuck the rest" concept.
I'm just terrified of the day when someone goes "who let this fraud past security? She's not a writer! She's not even a mediocre writer! Have her killed by lions. But first have everyone she loves admit to her that they don't really like her. Also have the internet laugh at her for a while for thinking anybody gives a shit about her. Then have her killed by lions. But not in a way that makes her think we actually care enough to hate her. In a nonchalant way."
This is an actual scenario which regularly plays out in my head! Sometimes there are sharks instead of lions, but either way they kill me in the dark, because it's scarier in the dark.
Yesterday I had to take the no-longer-wee-babysitting-charge to dance class, which entailed catching a taxi from her school to the dance studio. Since it took about 15 minutes for the cab to arrive last week (getting us there on-time, but only just), she asked me if I could call it 35 minutes before she needed to be there, just in case. I pointed out that it was only a ten-minute trip and she'd be there considerably earlier than her class started, but she was adamant.
So I called. And we waited. And then I called again and said 'um?' and they said 'oh, we sent a cab and the guy said there was nobody there'.
And I said 'um, no, we're exactly where you said we should wait' and he make a cranky noise and said 'fine, I'll send another' and then we waited and waited, and I called again.
And this time I got a lady, and said 'um?' and she said 'the computer says that we can't send you a taxi because you've got five small children with you' and I said 'UM' and she said 'you don't?' and I said 'um, no, I have one child here and she's not that small, what the heck?' and she said she'd send another cab.
And the wee babysitting charge is getting very frustrated, because her class starts at five and it's now five minutes to, and we wait, and we wait, and at five she said 'if it's not here by ten past, I want to just go to your place'.
So at exactly ten past -- I am not making this up, I had the phone in my hand, about to call and cancel the booking -- the taxi finally shows up.
We waited 45 minutes and got weirdly sabotaged by a taxi call centre operator along the way. Vexing. And yet vaguely funny, after the fact.
These days, if you throw a stone at popular culture, you can hit a vampire who kills other vampires without even trying. In Japanese anime there’s the quiet schoolgirl Saya of Blood: the Last Vampire, the enigmatic wanderer D of Vampire Hunter D, or the cruel gangster Alucard of Hellsing. In America there are the charismatic, tortured title characters of the Blade films and TV shows such as Angel and Moonlight, to name just a few. Even Pete Wentz of the rock band Fall Out Boy played one for one of the band’s videos.
And there’s Damon Salvatore, too.
I think I somehow managed to scam my way into writing about the shit I like to a level that goes waaaaaay beyond the "do what you love, and fuck the rest" concept.
I'm just terrified of the day when someone goes "who let this fraud past security? She's not a writer! She's not even a mediocre writer! Have her killed by lions. But first have everyone she loves admit to her that they don't really like her. Also have the internet laugh at her for a while for thinking anybody gives a shit about her. Then have her killed by lions. But not in a way that makes her think we actually care enough to hate her. In a nonchalant way."
This is an actual scenario which regularly plays out in my head! Sometimes there are sharks instead of lions, but either way they kill me in the dark, because it's scarier in the dark.
Yesterday I had to take the no-longer-wee-babysitting-charge to dance class, which entailed catching a taxi from her school to the dance studio. Since it took about 15 minutes for the cab to arrive last week (getting us there on-time, but only just), she asked me if I could call it 35 minutes before she needed to be there, just in case. I pointed out that it was only a ten-minute trip and she'd be there considerably earlier than her class started, but she was adamant.
So I called. And we waited. And then I called again and said 'um?' and they said 'oh, we sent a cab and the guy said there was nobody there'.
And I said 'um, no, we're exactly where you said we should wait' and he make a cranky noise and said 'fine, I'll send another' and then we waited and waited, and I called again.
And this time I got a lady, and said 'um?' and she said 'the computer says that we can't send you a taxi because you've got five small children with you' and I said 'UM' and she said 'you don't?' and I said 'um, no, I have one child here and she's not that small, what the heck?' and she said she'd send another cab.
And the wee babysitting charge is getting very frustrated, because her class starts at five and it's now five minutes to, and we wait, and we wait, and at five she said 'if it's not here by ten past, I want to just go to your place'.
So at exactly ten past -- I am not making this up, I had the phone in my hand, about to call and cancel the booking -- the taxi finally shows up.
We waited 45 minutes and got weirdly sabotaged by a taxi call centre operator along the way. Vexing. And yet vaguely funny, after the fact.