(no subject)

[mary]

This post of Karen's, about the way women automatically qualify positive statements about themselves because they fear (often with good cause) that otherwise people will hate them for being boastful, has really struck a chord with me.

The two most recent of the three times in my life when I felt like I was starting to get on-track with things (yes, there have been exactly three times ever: one at 19, one at 25, and one at 27), somebody whom I thought I had a solid friendship with has abruptly and sharply terminated said friendship, citing a recent change in my behaviour as the reason.

Or, as I put it last week, when jennifergearing suggested that I need to learn to like myself more, "but then I'll turn into Kanye!"

And I mean, rationally, I know there's distance on the spectrum between "total and constant self-loathing where you want to do harm to yourself because you had to pay a $10 bank fee you didn't budget for" (which happened to me on the weekend; no I didn't harm myself but can I just digress and say that fuck being a reformed self-harmer is hard, seriously, the very special episodes of Seventh Heaven never mention the part where you don't ever stop wanting) and interrupting the EMAs because you lost the best video award, but.

And you can say 'haters gonna hate' or whatever, but I've got these multiple instances of friends responding to little flickers of self-worth by deciding that they dislike me, and that makes it really hard.

I've been sitting with the cursor flickering at the end of the last paragraph there for four minutes, wanting to delete this whole post, because that's how hard this is. That's how scary this is. But I'm going to do it anyway.

Hi. I'm Mary. I'm awesome. I'm currently writing the fifth and final book in my series of vampire novels. I also write erotica and pop-academia and articles about the philanthropic sector in Australia. I wrote a short comic a few years ago and it was cool. I sometimes interview comics professionals and people in the music industry for feminist zines, on the web and in-print. I make jewelry and have sold 211 pieces since I started in December. I am a kind and generous friend. I give a lot to charity, and work hard to promote social justice issues I believe in. I get good marks in my studies and try to help others in my class when they're struggling.


.... I had to delete so many qualifiers and put-downs from that as I wrote it, and I almost deleted this entire entry. But fuck it, no, I'm going to post.

To Dreamwidth, anyway, where not so many people will read it as they would on lj.

Comments

[muccamukk]

Ha, I KNEW there was a reason I should watch your DW as well as your LJ!

[ex_nicole7]

And the best part about that paragraph is every single bit of it is true without needing one goddamn qualifier. You should be proud of yourself - for what it describes you as, and being able to write it :) I can't even begin to come up with something like that!

[weaver]

I agree. You're awesome.

[renne]

♥

[jamethiel]

You ARE awesome. And you know me--I will not hesitate to tell people when they're wrong or whatever. I say this with no qualifications or putdowns.

YOU. ARE. AWESOME.

[rynia]

You ARE awesome. Made of the substance, in fact.

[katarik]

Hi. I'm Mary. I'm awesome. I'm currently writing the fifth and final book in my series of vampire novels. I also write erotica and pop-academia and articles about the philanthropic sector in Australia. I wrote a short comic a few years ago and it was cool. I sometimes interview comics professionals and people in the music industry for feminist zines, on the web and in-print. I make jewelry and have sold 211 pieces since I started in December. I am a kind and generous friend. I give a lot to charity, and work hard to promote social justice issues I believe in. I get good marks in my studies and try to help others in my class when they're struggling.

And *everything in this paragraph* is true. You *rock*.

And, look, I bought jewelry from you to give to my mom for *Mother's Day*, okay, that alone is a ringing endorsement.

[renshai]

*<3s* Totally awesome.

[shihadchick]

I am so, so happy to be reading this post. It just made me go "fuck yes, Mary!" Right fucking on. ♥

[purple_smurf]

You're awesome enough that you had such brilliant cosplay at Supernova. You might have had people respond to those flickers of self-worth by deciding they dislike you, but you also have people who love your books enough to coordinate such an awesome event like that. YOU ARE AWESOME. And you create awesome things. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise ♥

[maire]

Dammit. There's an Ogden Nash poem I once read that I want to post here, but don't have access to. It's very convincing, is the thing. It certainly convinced me that apologising for oneself constantly isn't needed, or good. And it does it with humour and an affectionate tone.

*** (5 minutes later)

Found! Hope you like it.

***

Just Keep Quiet and Nobody Will Notice
by Ogden Nash

There is one thing that ought to be taught in all the colleges,
Which is that people ought to be taught not to go around always making apologies.
I don't mean the kind of apologies people make when they run over you or borrow five dollars or step on your feet,
Because I think that is sort of sweet;
No, I object to one kind of apology alone,
Which is when people spend their time and yours apologizing for everything they own.
You go to their house for a meal,
And they apologize because the anchovies aren't caviar or the partridge is veal;
They apologize privately for the crudeness of the other guests,
And they apologzie publicly for their wife's housekeeping or their husband's jests;
If they give you a book by Dickens they apologize because it isn't by Scott,
And if they take you to the theater, they apologize for the acting and the dialogue and the plot;
They contain more milk of human kindness than the most capacious diary can,
But if you are from out of town they apologize for everything local and if you are a foreigner they apologize for everything American.
I dread these apologizers even as I am depicting them,
I shudder as I think of the hours that must be spend in contradicting them,
Because you are very rude if you let them emerge from an argument victorious,
And when they say something of theirs is awful, it is your duty to convince them politely that it is magnificent and glorious,
And what particularly bores me with them,
Is that half the time you have to politely contradict them when you rudely agree with them,
So I think there is one rule every host and hostess ought to keep with the comb and nail file and bicarbonate and aromatic spirits on a handy shelf,
Which is don't spoil the denouement by telling the guests everything is terrible, but let them have the thrill of finding it out for themselves.

***

The thing is, people are either charitable (most), and enjoy you presenting your best and will appreciate it for what it is, or they're not (there are some), and they'll honestly enjoy criticising you more if you don't jump in first. Either way, you're being nice to everyone if you're unapologetically you.