awake and unafraid

[mary]

Do you wanna know how bandom saved my life? No, it wasn't that video with the vampires. It was this ridiculous article, of all things.

Because suddenly it was fucking normal and okay to have a mental illness, it was something that rock stars did. Medication was something talked about in a frank, snarky, joking way by Pete.

And now this article about MCR. Where they talk about how they wanted to be againt the "that super-safe, clean, take-your-medication type of world". Where they talk about how the song "vampire money" is about shitty sellouts who write vampire novels.

I don't feel like I fit anymore. People can say "oh, but they don't mean people like you" but I don't want to have to justify, specify, prove myself.

I'm not saying I'm burning bridges or that I don't love bands anymore -- I fucking love bands, you'd have to pry me away with a crowbar, I will be the last guest still dancing when the lights go out at the bandon party. But I'm so fucking tired right now. I'm tired of swimming upstream.

Or, as I once wrote in my shitty sellout vampire novels,

Lily bends one leg up so her foot rests on her chair, her chin resting on the knee of her jeans, and reties her shoelaces. She keeps her eyes on what she's doing, not looking at Michelle as she speaks.

"Years ago," Lily says, picking at the edge of the sole of her sneaker with a thumbnail. "I tried to kill myself. Did you know that?"

“Yeah,” Michelle says. It'd been mentioned in some of the interviews she'd read when Remember the Stars were first on her radar. She's always wondered if maybe it was part of why she'd become so invested in the band.

She knows for sure that it had been a comfort to be able to listen to songs on her mp3 player and know that the voice in her ears was a kindred spirit, that Michelle wasn't the only fucked-up brown girl all full of sadness and despair and music in the world.

Lily's not really brown anymore. She was always a few shades lighter than Michelle; light enough to pass for Caucasian. Now she's sickly-pale like all vampires, with only a little more color shading her than Will or Ash.

Of all the things Lily's lost, that's the one which makes Michelle ache most.

--

I miss putting my earphones in and hearing kindred spirits sing out to me.

Comments

[wildefae]

I agree with this comment - I think there's a difference between "shitty sellout vampire novels" and "vampire novels". The fact that there are entire publishing companies that only publish YA vampire fiction or that say "we don't take unsolicited manuscripts except fantasy romance" and advertise 4 books at a time with shitty Getty images in magazines right now makes me feel - well, bad for the authors that are using avenues that don't give a shit about them personally because they're the only available source for something they would have been writing anyway - but also like there are undoubtedly people who want to get their name out there who are probably writing teen vampire romance because it's what they can sell right now.

(To be fair, I don't think Stephanie [sp??] Meyer is a sellout. Or at least, not during the original series. She got famous after a few years, and super over merchandised, but that is not selling out.)


One thing about the meds issue is that I think it may be a generalization about our culture. Especially in the US (and this may be pertinent since advertising of this nature is outlawed in some other countries) -- we are directly advertised to so often about "talking to our doctor" about medication, even when we don't even know what it's for. When someone has a physical or mental issue the first solution suggested is often medication rather than therapy or exercise or whatever. Children as young as 3 and 4 are being treated for hyperactivity and "oppositional defiant disorder", even given anti-psychotics with permanent side effects for things that used to be considered normal child things like running around and saying no to adults. (Which is not to say ADHD, for example, isn't a present and sometimes debilitating problem, just one that might not be diagnosable at toddler age.)

And the thing about meds: they are what they are. There are people for whom medication for mental illness is like breathing, and can't imagine ANYONE surviving without it; there are people who have taken everything on the books and half a dozen things offlabel for their mental (or physical) illnesses and have been zombified, experienced relief but with terrible side effects, or been so addicted they couldn't function, and are ARDENTLY against it.

Both sides are right. The problem is, celebrities have fans and so it hurts worse when you hear your side dismissed by someone with authority.

Here's the real thing, though: It doesn't matter if we agree with every sentence out of Gerard Way's mouth. Do you agree with every single thing out of each one of your friends' mouths? You've never had a disagreement? No, probably not. And it can be stressful when you don't, but that doesn't mean that you don't respect or love each other. It doesn't mean we aren't valuable people. The thing is, Gerard has never understood that he's a freaking FAMOUS PERSON with fans that gobble up his opinion. And that's why this stings so much. But taking it so strongly to heart only underscores that.